So tomorrow is the day that Ireland votes on the Fiscal Treaty. No wait…come back! I’m not going to talk about the ins and outs of what the vote means or even encourage you to vote one way or another. I don’t even live in the Republic of Ireland at the moment (not for the want of trying) so vote whatever way you like for all I care. Whichever vote makes the Euro weaker compared to the pound is fine by me. The more batterburgers, Budweiser and cheap diesel I can get for my money every time I’m down, the better. But do vote.
No doubt, at the end of tomorrow evening, you’ll look at your clock and think “I have an hour left to vote, can I be arsed getting up out of the chair?”. And who can blame you? The chair is comfortable. You’ve had a hard day. You’ve got a beer in your hand and there’s an episode of 30 Rock on Comedy Central that you’ve not seen before. But most of all, you don’t relish the thought of having to go to the school down the road to cast your vote. Nobody does. Everyone hates schools. Especially the people that have to work there. Schools smell of chalk dust, stale sandwiches and piss and bring back memories of youth, homework and casual violence. No one would willingly spend time in a school unless they were being paid.
So what’s the alternative?
Have the voting in the another venue. Somewhere people enjoy being. They’ll be more likely the leave the house with their voting card if it’s to somewhere they’ll have a good time. Like…
The Pound Shop
Everyone seems to fucking love pound shops for some reason. Even if they never intended going through the door, they love it when they do. Cast your ballot and pick up all those things you forgot you really needed. Three doorstops for a euro. You always needed doorstops but you forgot until you saw them there. And three for a euro! That’s good for doorstops isn’t it? And batteries. You need them. You always need them.
Mrs Brown’s Boys
The whole of Ireland (excluding me and the people I call my friends) love Brendan O’Carroll’s cliched oirish “hilarious” sit-com and stage play. If the government really wants to get people out to vote, just put this on a big screen in Phoenix Park and have the voting after it. It’s like cat-nip for idiots.
The pub really is the place where voting should take place, after all it’s where nearly all of the serious political debates take place in Ireland anyway (apart from on Vincent Brown). They should really re-write the slogan “One man, One vote, 3 pints please”. Everyone would leave the house of an evening to vote if it was to go to the pub. And let’s face it, the publicans could do with the business. Two birds, one stone. The only problem would be going to the pub too early. “Four pints of Carlsberg please and here’s our ballots. Two Nos and a Yes. I’m afraid Ger spoiled his vote. He’s been drinking since noon. He’s just drawn a huge cock and balls. Sorry about that”.