Today started out much like any other in work. It was a Monday and people were slow to get into the working mood. There was talk of what people had done over the weekend, what films they went to see, what meals they ate and how drunk they got. A pretty average Monday, until the unthinkable happened. Something that brought all work in our office to a grinding, shuddering halt.
Our Internet connection stopped working.
Here is a my minute by minute diary of what transpired today. My workplace will never be the same again….
10am – We’ve no Internet at work…apart from my phone. I am the only link with the outside world. I’m just going to save myself and let the others perish. If this was the Matrix, I’d be the guy eating the steak and fucking everyone over. People are starting to sweat and ponder the realisation that they might have to actually buy a paper at lunchtime.
11.30am – Update. Still no Internet. It’s been like this for over an hour. It’s like Lord of the Flies. I’ve seen a grown man beaten to death with a mouse mat because he said he might have a 3G dongle in his bag. I’m hiding behind the photocopier.
12pm – People are now starting to horde water and screen cleaner. Some colleagues are contemplating whether the end of the world is at hand.
12.30pm – I’ve been noticed, I think perhaps for the first time in months. Behind the photocopier. Someone asked if I want a cup of tea. I’m not falling for it. It’s a trap. I’m sure of it.
1pm – The fat irritating woman from admin has cracked and taken out a John Grisham novel. The others have sensed weakness and pounced. There are pages, man made fabric and rescue remedy everywhere. It’s horrific. I can hardly watch.
1.30pm – I’m genuinely worried now. Our Managing Director is so beaten down by hours on the phone to IT support that others are planning a coup. A new guy in accounts has pierced his nose with paper clips and is carrying out a strange physical display outside the boss’s window in a challenge to his leadership.
2pm – It’s all kicking off. The MD and his would be usurper are bare chested and eying each other up, circling each other in a ring made up of software developers and graphic designers all hitting iPads and shouting “Twitter, Twitter, Twitter”. The admin team are cowering under their desks. The smell of sweat and toner cartridge is thick in the air.
2.30pm – One of the other Directors has intervened. He’s pulled the two apart and shouted “This is not proper office attire!!!”. The crowd are confused. Sense and calm seemed to have restored until he followed up with “What’s Twitter anyway?”. Once again, the crowd turn ugly and start to staple him to death shouting “Why didn’t you employ a dedicated in house IT manger! Your desire to save money by outsourcing has crippled us all!”.
3pm – Some of the consultants and project managers have broken off and gathered in the board room, barricading themselves in. They are furiously scribbling on White Boards and concocting a strategy for an Internet free business environment. They look to be exceptionally happy in contrast to the guy in charge of business continuity, who is currently in the foetal position, slowly rocking himself and whispering “I told them. But they wouldn’t listen”, over and over again.
3.30pm – Some of the junior staff have taken over the kitchen. They are drunk on alcoholic hand sanitizer liquid. They have blocked access to the coffee, tea bags and milk and are laughing hysterically while performing David Brent dance-offs. There is an air of menace.
4pm – The cleaners have arrived. They’re in shock. When told the reason for the carnage they offer “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”. They have been locked in a filing cabinet by the IT staff who are now beating the sides of it with keyboards shouting “We’ve got degrees! Don’t you think we’ve thought of that already!”. The women are squealing in high pitched voices. There is a smell of urine in the air. Eventually one of the IT staff concedes that they haven’t actually tried turning it off and on again and goes to do so.
4.30pm – The Internet is now working once more. IT support have given no specific reason for our loss of Internet and are currently engaged in trying to remove two middle aged cleaners from a locked and badly damaged filing cabinet.
5pm – People are starting to leave, the sunlight bringing them to their senses. There will be little sleep tonight as the visions of today’s events linger in our minds. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.